It would be really easy for me to write this review in the usual format, ‘I was invited to the launch night of Ghetto Golf Newcastle last night and this is what it was like…first we showed up and…’ but I think for this venue it needs something a bit different. 

Disclaimer: I was invited to the launch night where food, drinks and our round of golf were complimentary. I wasn’t asked or obliged to write a blog post, but I was paid for the instagram coverage I did last week. 

If I saw you face to face in the street and you said to me that you saw on my Instagram I’d been to Ghetto Golf last night and what was it like, this is how that conversation would go…

Oh my god it’s so much fun

Like it really is. I can just hear Kieran going in to work today… ‘here that was class hew. Mint. Loved it’.

It’s at Hoults Yard in one of the warehouses

They’ve created the whole space in one big room, with a bar and drinks area, a food area, and 18 holes of crazy golf. Parking is free for up to an hour until a certain time, but to be honest if you’re going don’t take the car. 

The whole place is covered in graffiti, even the ceiling and it’s all been done by local artists.

The ghetto golf concept came from Liverpool, and there’s another one in Birmingham. Newcastle is the latest one and the Geordie flair, style, slang and references are all over the place.

They drafted in local people to do it, so it’s as genuine as possible and it’s not the stereotypical usual stuff either. As you’re going round you’ll notice what I mean, take the time to read the writing on the wall as it’s hilarious! 

The bar serves everything you could want, but the cocktails were a big hit.

Read the menu fully don’t rush into a decision. The staff are great at helping you choose based on what you like, and they’re a bit whacky. They aren’t novelty though, they taste really nice. I had the ‘Lethal Drizzle’ which was gin, raspberry, blackberry and elderflower topped up with tonic. 

You can take drinks around the crazy golf course with you…and there’s bars on the way round too

You can sit in the bar area at one of the tables or in the booths, but when you’re actually playing your round of crazy golf you can take drinks around with you. One of the holes also has a bar in it so you never have to go far for a beverage. 

Food is bloody lush and it’s served at the hatch next to the bar.

There’s so much choice as well, including loaded fries with a big variety of toppings, bbq wings, nachos and various burgers on offer. You order at the hatch and get a pager thing which goes off when your food is ready to collect.

I had bbq and salt and pepper chicken wings last night, which I’d 100% have again and Kieran had a pulled pork burger. I’m also hearing great things from the people who had halloumi fries.

You get a time slot for golf, which you can book online or put your name down for when you show up.

Again, you get a pager which goes off when it’s your turn to play the round, so you can enjoy the bar and food before and after you play. If it’s busy I’d maybe wait until after you play for food, or show up early enough to give yourself plenty of time before. You don’t want both pagers going off at once. Food wasn’t the quickest to be ready, but that might improve as time goes on. 

When it comes to actually playing your round the rules are really simple.

You trade your pager in for golf clubs, balls, and a scorecard, no food allowed on the course but drinks are, watch where you’re going as there’s lots of steps and uneven footing, and each hole is up to 6 shots. 

It’s not for the faint hearted or easily offended 

Each of the 18 holes is designed to be completely different to the next, and as they say on the website each one is ‘seriously twisted’. That’s the best way to describe it, least of all for the ‘offensive’ graffiti that’s everywhere. 

The first couple of holes are pretty tame to get you into it, but then you find yourself at the ‘Erotic Show’, complete with latex, dildos, and red light windows. 

Moving on you’ll fine yourself in a hideous men’s toilet, complete with overflowing toilet and some of the more extreme scribbles on the wall. You’ll spend ages reading them, snapping pics and having a giggle. 

There are photo ops everywhere…and not just for your bog standard instagram posing

You’re bound to find someone you knows name on a wall somewhere at very least, but then there’s more obvious photo spots like the human sized arcade game, or the giant swan pedalo at the Love Tunnel. 

It’s up to you how tasteful you go haha…

You’re encouraged to be interactive 

The ‘Jesmond Kyle’ show hole allows you to sit and be filmed as though you’re airing your dirty laundry across national television for example, or stroke the furry walls…

There’s a surprise around every corner

This is what makes it so good I think, each section is totally different, shocking and really funny too. At each hole you’ll find yourself trying to take it all in and spotting all the little extras before you’ve even took a shot. 

There’s music pumping out some seriously good tunes the whole time 

Atmosphere is incredible, the dj booth is part of the set in a big silver truck and they play a total mix.

You don’t get bored and you will be disappointed when you get to the last hole

I’ve played crazy golf at places in the past where I’ve been bored by half way through and been more focused on what drink to order next, but this absolutely isn’t the case here. We were gutted to finish the course.

There is just so much going on, both on and off the course itself

Always something to look at, read, watch or find, whether you’re sat having food and drinks or actually playing there is a lot to take in you’ll never be bored. Everything has been so well thought out and there’s distractions everywhere. 

It’s over 18 only so there’s no kids whatsoever.

It’s not like crazy golf around windmills, everything about the experience is adult only.

It would be class for any sort of night.

Date night, couples night, with your mates, work night out, birthday. Just maybe not a night out with the rents unless whacking golf balls around giant dildos stuck to the floor wouldn’t phase you in that situation…

When you leave you will want to go back with everyone you know.

Its not one of those novelty things that will wear off, or that you’ll only want to do once. We already have about three more trips planned with various people. It’s £10 per person, bookable online, and they do packages for groups as well. That’s the practical info saved it for last!

What do you reckon are you going to get yourself along? 

There are more photos and videos on my instagram highlight at @stephfoxtravel

Disclaimer: I was invited to the launch night where food, drink and our round of golf was complimentary. I wasn’t asked or obliged to write a blog post, but I was paid for the instagram coverage I did last week. And truthfully I’d pay a fair bit more than £10 per person to do it myself in future it’s worth every penny.